Murgatroyd's Magnificent Multi-Server
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This device will put the fear of Beelzebub into your servants! If you were ever of a mind to want to serve six people with tea at the same time,
this machine will serve tea six times faster than any single servant, because it does them all at the same time!
In fact, even if you're never likely to have a need to serve six cups of tea all at once, it's worth acquiring one of these and just subtly placing
it on the sideboard, just to make your servants aware at all times that they need to work faster in order to avoid being replaced by a machine!
In order to keep the entire household happy, there is a slightly larger spout at one end for the cup dedicated to the head of household, and another small one for when you're attempting to wean younger members of the family onto the delights of drinking tea.
The idea
This is one that's been in my head for more than a decade. A teapot with multiple spouts pointing in all directions could seem like a splendid way of speeding up your tea-serving - but it's so completely absurd and utterly unusable that I just had to make one! The lengthy delay in realising it (apart from the usual prevarication) can be attributed mostly to two issues:
- Manufacturing traditional one-piece copper tea-kettle spouts was a highly-skilled job, often involving molten lead, and one for which I have neither the skills, tools or courage!
- Sourcing a whole bunch of identical antique copper kettles simply to cannibalize them for their spouts always seemed like a very difficult and expensive exercise, not to mention the sacrilege of destroying valuable antiques....
However, I reached a point where the idea had been bothering me for so many years that I simply decided to stop prevaricating and get on with it. To help the process, I accepted that I might have to compromise on the methods that had been employed to make the spouts, i.e. by perhaps sourcing slightly more modern components. The spouts I used are in fact all seamed top and bottom, and not one piece at all (shhh! Don't tell anybody!) - but they have been made so well that you just wouldn't notice if I hadn't told you.
I set about some determined research to locate a bunch of mostly identical kettles, beat up enough to avoid shouts of "sacrilege", but not so far gone that they were unrestorable. I already had a couple in my store-room, and the rest came from all over the country.
The patent
I think I may have just invented the hot-drinks vending machine.... wonder if you can apply for a retrospective Patent...?
Accessories
To ensure that you get the best out of this machine straight out of the box, it comes complete with a six-place china tea-service, and a large robust tray on which to mount the entire caboodle. I did consider also including some pre-formatted "Servant Redundancy Notice" documents, but I thought that might be taking things a bit too far.....
Materials: brass, copper, kettles, blow-torch parts, sprayer parts, shell cases, wood, rubber, china tea-service, etc
Dimensions: 12" high x 12" wide x 11" deep (30cm x 30cm x 28cm)
Diameter of tray: 19" (48cm)
No. of cups: 6
No. of saucers: 6
No. of servants: 1
Weight: 8lb4oz (3.75kg)
This piece will be shown for the first time in the Gloucestershire Guild of Craftsmen 'Crafts Alive' exhibition at Rodmarton Manor in September 2025.
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New sculptures are being created all the time, and pieces can be sold or go off to exhibitions at any time, so please check back here regularly for updates.
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